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Tips for Having a Civil Political Conversation |
Here are twelve tips on how to disagree without being quite so disagreeable:
1. Manners are the lubricating oil of good political discussions. Never underestimate the power of a ready smile, simple courtesy and civility. Your courtesy may not be remembered or returned, but discourtesy will never be forgotten.
"When you shoot an arrow of truth, dip its point in honey."
—Arab proverb
2. Show empathy and tolerance for differences. Tolerance and empathy do not require approval or agreement—they do require a cordial and positive attempt to understand another's feelings, beliefs and positions. If you're doing all the talking, you are probably boring somebody. To lead others to your side on any issue it helps to see the road they must travel through their eyes not your own.
"When you want to convert someone to your view, you go over to where he is standing, take him by the hand (mentally speaking), and guide him. You don't stand across the room and shout at him; you don't call him a dummy; you don't order him to come over to where you are. You start where he is, and work from that position. That's the only way to get him to budge."
—Thomas Aquinas, the great persuader
3. Do your homework to build depth behind your convictions. The journey to wisdom takes you from simple truths to a deeper understanding and then back to an informed simplicity that communicates depth. Be humble and fair with your "facts." Statistics are only temporary snapshots in a stream of reality and far too many quotes are often taken out of context. There is value in doing your homework; it is quite another thing to tell people everything you know about a subject and call it dialogue.
"It is easier to be critical than to be correct."
—Benjamin Disraeli
4. When caught off guard, take time to think before engaging in speech, sending e-mails or leaving phone messages. The real art of political dialogue is not just saying the right thing at the right moment; it is the ability to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. When you write with strong emotion, you may rally the faithful, but those who disagree with you won't read past the first attack. Put your mind in gear before you put your tongue or your computer into action. Edit those tirades into clear statements designed to influence instead of inflame.
"I have never been hurt by anything I didn't say."
—Calvin Coolidge
5. Avoid name-calling, "you" statements and "should" talk! Instead of putting down others or their positions, share your opinions in the form of "I" statements—"I find...; I feel...; I think..." Find that assertive middle-ground where you can express opinions without demeaning those with whom you disagree. Remember, over 28 million people will probably vote for the "other guy!" to be President no matter what names you call him.
"I tolerate with the utmost latitude the right of others to differ from me in opinion without imputing to them criminality... Both of our political parties, at least the honest part of them, agree conscientiously in the same object—the public good; but they differ essentially in what they deem the means of promoting that good.... Which is right, time and experience will prove.... With whichever opinion the body of the nation concurs, that must prevail."
—Thomas Jefferson
6. Seek first to understand by mastering the art of listening and the use of engaging questions. Instead of imparting wisdom, too many settle for a strong wind—We blow in, blow hard, and blow out! If you're doing all the talking, you are probably boring somebody. Master some timely questions: What are the most important issues to you? Help me understand your position? What would you do differently? What evidence do you have of that? Do you see any unintended consequences?
"It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers."
—James Thurber
7. Use the power of a positive pause to surface more understanding and deeper insights. It is an encouraging pause that gives others the time to get beyond their own self-imposed obstacles to see different positions without being rushed to defend their position.
"The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause."
—Mark Twain
8. When it is your turn to speak, be focused more on what you are for rather than what you are against. Anger over the past does not a vision make! Participating in the blame game only traps your eyes to the rearview mirror looking at things that can't be changed while new obstacles and challenges are rapidly approaching out the front window! Both political parties have made and will continue to make mistakes. Let people save face and learn from mistakes by focusing on working to invent a better future.
"It is true that we have more semi-structured Crossfire-style debates than ever before, but much of this is rigidly preprogrammed sniping. Even when the sniping is downplayed, TV demands sharp sound bytes, which pushes all talking heads toward more vehemence and simplemindedness. Instant certainty becomes mandatory.... Where is the real debate?"
—John Leo
9. Be able to admit your own mistakes and the mistakes of your own party. "My party right or wrong!" seldom impresses the independent-thinking voters you want to influence. If you can't confront your own when in the wrong, you won't be respected. Stand for what you believe and admit when you are wrong. Even when you cannot honestly concede a mistake, at least admit that the issue is a difficult one.
"Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them."
—Adlai Stevenson
10. Use humor to diffuse the tension conflict creates and to keep issues in perspective. Making fun of others seldom wins point in political conversations. The safest target for your humor is always yourself. When Lincoln was accused of being "two-faced" in his debates with Stephen Douglas, he replied, "Obviously I am not two-faced, or I would not have used this one!" When George Washington faced a Constitutional Convention that wanted to pass a law limiting the size of the army to 5,000 troops, he agreed as long as they would limit the size of the enemy to 3,000 troops. The resulting laughter ended the debate and the threat of the unwise legislation.
"I do not seek applause...nor to amuse the people. I want to convince them. I often avoid a long and useless discussion by others or a laborious explanation on my own part by using a short story that illustrates my point of view."
—Abraham Lincoln
"Every one of his stories seems like a whack upon my back. Nothing else--not any of his arguments or any of his replies to my questions--disturbs me. But when he begins to tell a story, I feel that I am to be overmatched."
—Stephen Douglas
11. Instead of hammering your position home, be ready to take distance from a difficult conversation and give others time to think. The most powerful impact from a thoughtful conversation is often experienced after the parties have left each other's presence. Forcing closure may only harden views that might have changed if the information shared had been given time to percolate.
"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject."
—Winston Churchill
12. Know when to end a fruitless conversation. Many will never change political positions no matter how long you talk. Learn to be able to say, "I guess no amount of dialogue is going to change either of us. That's what makes this country so great—We're free to disagree!"
"I have always believed that a lot of the troubles in the world would disappear if we were talking to each other instead of about each other."
— Ronald Reagan
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If people really wanted to communicate, understand and be understood, the world would have changed. Lots of wars avoided. But many people want to impose their will and interest when they communicate. And that can be a dangerous thing. Specially in politics, where lots of innocent peoples fate are at stake!
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Make eye contact!
Be aware of what your body is saying!
Have courage to say what you think!
Speak loudly enough to be heard!
Practice!
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